Kristi

hell_groupie @ 2006-05-29T16:13:00

2006-05-29T22:19:47Z

so- its official....Im never right.

I cant decide why I still do this- its not helping.

Fucking-christ, Im gonna go crawl in my room/listen to music and wait for something interesting to happen.

~~FUCK~~

hell_groupie @ 2006-04-05T11:58:00

2006-04-05T18:03:19Z

Im so confused.....I need a friendly voice- I need an even friendlier hug-
someone who understands- someone I can trust

hhhmmm-

2006-03-13T21:07:09Z

I hope this wont be as bad as I think it will be-

poems -poems -poems

2006-03-13T21:06:29Z

Please don't judge me by my face,
By my religion, or my race.
Please don't laugh at what I wear,
Or how I look or do my hair.
Please look a little deeper---
Way down deep inside,
And although you may not see it,
I have a lot to hide.
Behind my clothes, the secrets lie,
Behind my smile, I softly cry.
Please look a little deeper,
And maybe you will see
The lonely little girl
That lives inside of me.
Please just get to know her
And maybe you will see
That if you just look deep enough,
You'll find the real me

This poem reminds me alot about me and alot of other people I've talked to- I like it.

hell_groupie @ 2006-03-13T13:15:00

2006-03-13T20:26:55Z

So I start work today- its only training. But it goes from 3-11pm...I think thats fucking redicuclous, its too long.I dont wanna go- I just want to go hang out with Cisneros- I have a lot of fun with him.

So Im in comp tech right now. Its lame- I hate it. We just got done taking a test. Damn I want to leave.
I dont know about anything right now- Im not in a good mood at all. I just want to crawl into someplace cold and fall asleep forever.
Last night I was extremely pissed- I have a small reason but there is more to it....I just havent figured out what yet. Im sick of almost everything...I wish I could move away and change my identity....and just be alone for a bit.

People are saying I look better than normal today- and I mean its nice of them to complement like that......But why do I have to look like every other preppy girl out there to actually get someones attention?? Personally I think I look stupid- but I had to dress up for work.
Well I gotta go

hell_groupie @ 2006-03-09T13:07:00

2006-03-09T20:20:13Z

Hey there!!

So today is going by slow- but its not that bad so far. I didnt go to my first 2 classes, I went to K.C's instead....we just sat there and ate her food and watched American History X....I love that movie- I think that its good.
I am SOOOOOO behind in this class- I hate it. I think this is the class that will hold me back from graduating- but its my fault because I never come. I dont know why I even bothered to come to school today.

Tomorrow Im supposed to go bowling with Pierre and Paul- Im excited! Then later in the night Im supposed to go to the GBH show and see Drelinger and Cisneros there.......OH_Speaking of shows- Im so excited for next Wednesday.....Im gonna go see Anti-Flag and The Unseen, The Casualties, Smoke or Fire, and the AKA's. But I have to work that night too- so I might miss the first 2 bands.

I work at Teleperformance now- Its gonna suck!!!!!!But the money will be nice. I work form 3 -8:30...and i get Sundays and Mondays off.
I wish that I had Saturday or Friday off.

Well I gotta go- bye!!!

Im Hating This

2006-03-01T18:59:26Z

YAWN!!!!

Today was going pretty well- but now out of nowhere Im tired and mad.
I dont wanna go to comp tech next.....I hate that class.
Maybe I can sluff in Garretts class and do pottery instead. HHHMMMM-
I wrote another poem last night but Im not sure if I'll post it- it may start drama.
I guess we'll see.

poem...again

2006-02-27T20:30:08Z

Why does everything seem to go wrong?
I try to keep a good face,
I do my best to stay strong.
It's just so hard when you're constantly feeling like you have to lie.
About your life and about the times you cry.

You might say, "I know exactly how you feel."
But you never will, at least not for real.
You'll never have the pain I hide deep within me.
Not until you look through my eyes and see what they see.

hhhmmm...a certain someone should read this

2006-02-27T20:25:15Z

Tell me how I'm feeling
Tell me what I dream
Tell me I'm just acting
Tell me how I seem
Tell me who I hate
Tell me who I like
Tell me how I rate
Tell me you are right
tell me how I look
Read me like a book
Then I'll tell you something
Although I know you won't agree
Only I know what I'm thinking
Because only I am me.

MEH....

2006-02-27T20:13:25Z

My god I hate school....I would drop out if it didnt mean SOOOOOOO much to my mom.

Today is Chae's B-day......yay! She is 17 now- One more year and she will be an adult.....dont you think its stupid how people are considered adults at the age of 18....but you have to be 21 for alcohol and 19 to buy smokes??? I DO!!

HMMMM...........

well- I think Im gonna try to walk out of this class becaus my tummy hurts and I dont feel like typing anymore.

uuuugggghhhh--

2006-02-27T03:33:56Z

FUCK........I HATE THIS
WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY ALL THE TIME_ WHY AM I DOIG THIS SHIT TO MYSELF
god-im an idiot

Today- Today -Today

2006-02-23T21:01:59Z

TODAY IS SO BORING!!!

^{God it seems as if I've been in Comp Tech FOREVER!! Im SO behind in this class...I have to stay after today and see if I can get caught up- Prettty Shitty--- ---HUH???

Dang- I cant believe I just got that assignment done....YAY for ME!!

God- I need to hang out with some new people.....Im tired of sitting around and watching music videos and my friends smoke weed and ciggaretts. I need some new hobbies as well.

Im boring myself....Im done.

Good Bye until next time.}

today...not much about it.

2006-02-21T20:09:53Z

So I guess Jesse's B-day wasnt that bad....there was some drama about people smoking but I figured that would happen and its no biggie.
There was NO drama between Josh and KC or Bert and Melissa..What a relief!!

The people that were there was Me, Mallory, Jesse, Brittney, Kc, Josh, Cody, Melissa, Bert, & Jessica....Chae and Kort were supposed to go- but they didnt.

I gotta take a test now.

BA-BYE

o- happy days

2006-02-13T19:59:16Z

Im getting SO sick of shit right now- I always feel like im in a hurry for nothing- Im failing 4 of my classes and I dont think Im gonna get caught up- this shit sucks.

Im supposed to start work soon- I dont wanna...Im not looking forward to that at all.

Valentines Day is tomorrow...I guess Ill give Garrett his present and go home...its Jesse's b-day also. We are gonna have a big party for him...COMPLETELY STOCKED W/ LIQUOR!!!!! (drama is bound to happen) expecially cause Josh and KC are gonna be there and both will be drunk...and same with Melissa and Bert.- I'll be stuck with all 4 of them while Jesse and Brittney are by themselves.

I gotta go- I guess it doesnt help that Im failing this class and all Im doing is bitching.

HI

2006-01-26T21:10:06Z

Here I am again- I havent written in awhile...I guess Im gonna try to keep it going for awhile, but I dont know how well that will work out....mainly cause my aunt takes the comp to work with her.

HHMMM, WHATS THE GOOD NEWS????

Well- not much. I get drunk every weekend-its pretty fun. Other than that school sucks Im failing everything except for singing but that wont do me any good cause if my grades are as bad as they are right now then I wont be able to sing anymore. Our singing group is supposed to go on tour to California this Spring....I dont even know if I want to go anymore.

WHATS THE BAD NEWS?????

My friend Bryan passed away over the weekend ....didnt find out till everyone else knew. Its hard to deal with..especially when almost all of your other close friends knew him. Im trying to keep them happy and its hard to make myself seem like Im ok. His veiwing is tomorrow and his funeral is on Saturday...I hope I can keep my head held up and focus on trying to keep my friends happy...I'll just cry about it later. Mark, Garrett, Melissa, Bert, K.C., Tino, Jake T., and Dustin were all close to him to so they will be there with me- maybe after we'll have another shot and toast it to Bryan.

another one

2005-10-22T03:42:28Z

So many questions
So little time
Sometimes I ask
Am I losing my mind?

So many decisions
I know I can't make
So much critisism
I simply can't take

I can't please everyone
Though I will always try
Sometimes I get discouraged
But I don't know why

I hate all the pressures
That are brought upon me
To many decisions
Then I'd rather there be

I just can't stand it
Don't know what to do
To feel what I feel
If only you knew

I'm not looking for sympathy
I just wish it would end
But I feel it's a battle
That I'll never win.

hell_groupie @ 2005-10-04T22:00:00

2005-10-05T04:05:55Z

Never say I Love you , If you dont really care

Never talk about feelings if they arent really there

Never hold my hand, if your gonna break my heart

Never say your going to if you dont plan to start

Never look me in the eyes If all you do is lie

Never say hello if you really mean goodbye

If you really mean forever...promise me you'll try

and never say forever, Cause forever makes me cry

I wrote this poem awhile back, It means alot to me....and I mean every word

A poem I wrote tonight. The sad truth.

2005-09-23T06:17:16Z

There she sits so helpless
Just waiting for that special day
The day she set aside
When she'll take her life away

Up until that day
She'll screw her life up more
Taking all the drugs
And cutting like before

Stories of her messed up life
Are written on her skin
Keeping count of all the times
The knife just tends to win

Scarlet scars upon her wrists
Tell of all the times
She tried to go but something
Stopped her suicidal crimes

Her blood shot eyes tell of all
The countless times she's cried
She has no more tears to cry
So her end she will decide

As that day comes around
When her 'precious' life she'll take
She'll bring up all the pain inside
And one more cut she'll make

Never will she stop to think
Of all the people she will miss
You can call it 'ignorance'
But ignorance is bliss

As she starts to think about
The story of her life
She wants to end it faster
and grips harder to the knife

She curls up in the corner
And she begins to cry
All the while voices whisper
"Just f u c k ing go and die"

Mascara tears leak from her eyes
And stain her pale, white face
Trailing down her satin cheeks
Depression's line they trace

She sinks her nails down in her arm
As she begins to shake
Substituting physical pain
For the pain from her heart ache

As she slowly falls apart
She starts to crave her blade
She takes it out and wastes no time
To add to the cuts she's made

She drags the blade along her skin
As she watches the blood pour out
She feels control run through her body
And the voices cease to shout

She puts away her razor blade
With no sign of regret
She knows that she will do it again
For the pain she can't forget

As she starts to breathe again
And her shaking finally stops
Her weak and fragile body goes
To her bed and drops

Her eyes begin to slowly close
As she thinks about that day
Where all her struggles end as soon
As she takes her life away

hell_groupie @ 2005-09-17T22:34:00

2005-09-18T04:40:42Z

So....Im back again...

I found myself thinking about CJ alot today, and I dont really know why though. Fuck it- I dont know why I said that ofcourse I know why. I miss him like crazy. I havent missed anyone soooooo much in a very long time, I would do anything to hear from him again, Im so sad with out him.

I went on to his myspace account thinking that it might help me......it didnt. The pictures on there reminded me of alot of times that we had together. I cant stop crying over him. FUCK!!!

On another note ....I got a tattoo tonight, its alright.

hey....look at my fake smile!

2005-08-31T21:25:11Z

well I found out who those dicks were that were so "anonymous" for so long...I think it will stop now- I can say Im definatly not happy. I wish I could say that I was just having a bad nightmare when I found out who it was. One of those people were my friend, and is not anymore. They said I was playing games with them and went and did this to me....what a fucking hipocrit. I bet you can guess who it is now.

Thanx a fucking lot for your friendship! I guess it meant nothing.............

hell_groupie @ 2005-08-29T00:25:00

2005-08-29T06:27:21Z

So,do you guys remember the anonymous fuck awhile back? Well who ever it was, they are back now so here is a message to you- stop with the anonymous shit, if you say your name its not like anything is gonna change. Last time you were bitching at me it was because of CJ... we arent friends anymore... so back the fuck off!! Seriously, I dont know why this shit started but I come on here to vent, not to read insults, why dont you find someone else to harass?!

On another note, I heard from Bryan tonight but it upset me..........school starts tomorrow.......and thats it.

hell_groupie @ 2005-08-24T22:38:00

2005-08-25T04:53:20Z

I just typed all of this shit but it got erased. FUCK!

Kort said in one of her journals that she thinks Im sad, well I am so stop thinking about it.
CJ said that we arent friends anymore and I miss him SOSOO much. But there isnt anything I can do about it so yeah.
Bryan is in DT and In going insane thinking about it. UGH- we were all going to the Suicide Machines and got drunk before we left, well him and Johnnie passed out on the sidewalk in there own puke and the cops came and got them. Bryan had 3 warrants out for his arrest and so he got put away and no one knowa happened after that. Johnnie forgot his age and told the cop he was 16 so was taken to his sisters house.Lucky Basterd!

Bryan was x-tremely sad before he got taken away and blamed it all on me and Ive been cutting every night since just remembering the look on his face.
My mom wants to take me back to couseling and I told her I was fine and didnt need it- I dont think that ashe believed me.
I had a talk w/kort Im sad since then too. I guess my friends are tired of watching me fuck up my life. I didnt know they cared soo much- But Im losing them.

If you would like to know the definition of me fucking my life up here it is : Drinking uncontrolably (again), cutting uncontrolably, smoking, coughing up blood and not doing anything about it, keeping my emotions in and x-ploding every time somone tries to lecture me or give me advice. I dont take advice from anyone anymore- the only advice I took into consideration was from CJ and I wont be getting that anymore so whatever. By the way- Im quitting the smoking part.

Garrett and all of his friends almost burned down my house so they are all in a shit load of trouble and not on my good side.
Im gonna go before I fuck something up.

Tootles

2005-06-01T23:53:47Z

This will be my last Journal- Yes, Im leaving. But Im leaving you all with one question still on my mind- Whats with all the fucking drama?!

Well Bye - Have a nice life.

hell_groupie @ 2005-05-26T10:33:00

2005-05-26T16:33:27Z

Chris and Bryan are coming down today- Im looking forward to it alot. I dont know how Im feeling right now. I guess kinda downish. My grades are shit which means that my moms attitude will be too. DAMN!

I dont know what Im doing for here on out. My day today is pretty much planned out. I have to stay at school until 2:30 and then I have a dentist appointment at 3. After that I have to come back to school at 6 for a chorus program- then I go home and catch up on things w/ Chris and then I clean my room and do my laundry- I have been doing laundry for 3 days now.

Yesterday I hung out with Kenny and Kevin. I had fun I guess. We started out shooting eachother with air-soft guns and then Kortnie and I just sat there laughing at them wrestling (tyring to impress us). It was funny because they were making complete asses of themselves (as boys always do). Im sitting in English right now. Kort and I did a shit load of work trying to get caught up. I hope it'll improve our grades.

Im giong to my sisters this weekend with Chris and Bryan because they dont have a place to stay this weekend and my sister is always up for letting us stay.- On that subject.......Garrett dont get mad, nothing will happen its just so that we all have a place to stay and hang out. If it bothers you then let me know and we'll talk about it.....lets stay away from the drama, ok?

Jessica called me last night and she was sad- it made me sad. But I hope that I made her feel better.

This girl in this class is singing that stupid Mr Lonley song- and she sux- I think its funny because I dont like her and she is humiliating herself. I dont want to have to go through drama- I can feel it coming and I think it'll start shortly after school. If not before....and that wouldnt suprise me. I was gonna go to Lagoon with Cassey and Chae and Scotty this weekend but Im not going anymore. O-well there will be many more chances.

I havent updated this much in a while. I dont know why Im updating this much. I told myself I wouldnt because I figure the less I share the less drama there will be.

Kenny was making me mad yesterday-he grabed my wrists and decided to expose my cuts to people. He would say " Look at this, why does she do that?" and they would stare at me in the face and look all disapointed as if they think lower of me. A kid named Devon said that he was going to commit suicide at 5 yesterday because he couldnt get a girlfriend- I think he was trying to get me to go out with him. I told him that If he really wanted to die than good luck. Was it wrong of me? I dont think he is at school today. I wonder........

The people on the morning announcments are fucking stupid. I honestly dont find that acting like a retard is going to get you aywhere.

Well Im done I suppose.

hell_groupie @ 2005-05-24T20:14:00

2005-05-25T02:45:47Z

Some kind of thought.

I regret some things Ive done in the past, Ive done to so many so much wrong This for me is moving way too fast , This has been going on for much too long To others I have done ignorant things , Mostly to you the one I most trust But when I think of your face my heart sings, so I wrong you no more I must

Will you forgive me or will you be angry will you be upset will you be mad I'll say Im sorry I'll say Im trustworthy I will wish I'd settled with what I had I lost you its all my fault I know and now all my emotions will no longer show....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So any way not much has changed but theres that.