[	mood	|	cold	]
[	music	|	?!	]

Hey there!!

So today is going by slow- but its not that bad so far.  I didnt go to my first 2 classes, I went to K.C's instead....we just sat there and ate her food and watched American History X....I love that movie- I think that its good.
I am SOOOOOO behind in this class- I hate it.  I think  this is the class that will hold me back from graduating- but its my fault because I never come. I dont know why I even bothered to come to school today.

Tomorrow Im supposed to go bowling with Pierre and Paul- Im excited! Then later in the night Im supposed to go to the GBH show and see Drelinger and Cisneros there.......OH_Speaking of shows- Im so excited for next Wednesday.....Im gonna go see Anti-Flag and The Unseen, The Casualties, Smoke or Fire, and the AKA's.  But I have to work that night too- so I might miss the first 2 bands.

I work at Teleperformance now- Its gonna suck!!!!!!But the money will be nice. I work form 3 -8:30...and i get Sundays and Mondays off.
I wish that I had Saturday or Friday off.

Well I gotta go- bye!!!

[	mood	|	mad-tired	]
[	music	|	Bayside	]

YAWN!!!!



Today was going pretty well- but now out of nowhere Im tired and mad.
I dont wanna go to comp tech next.....I hate that class.
Maybe I can sluff in Garretts class and do pottery instead. HHHMMMM-
I wrote another poem last night but Im not sure if I'll post it- it may start drama.
I guess we'll see.

[	mood	|	bitchy	]
[	music	|	none	]

Im getting SO sick of shit right now- I always feel like im in a hurry for nothing- Im failing 4 of my classes and I dont think Im gonna get caught up- this shit sucks.

Im supposed to start work soon- I dont wanna...Im not looking forward to that at all.

Valentines Day is tomorrow...I guess Ill give Garrett his present and go home...its Jesse's b-day also. We are gonna have a big party for him...COMPLETELY STOCKED W/ LIQUOR!!!!! (drama is bound to happen)  expecially cause Josh and KC are gonna be there and both will be drunk...and same with Melissa and Bert.- I'll be stuck with all 4 of them while Jesse and Brittney are by themselves.

I gotta go- I guess it doesnt help that Im failing this class and all Im doing is bitching.

[

mood

|

gloomy

]

Here I am again- I havent written in awhile...I guess Im gonna try to keep it going for awhile, but I dont know how well that will work out....mainly cause my aunt takes the comp to work with her.

HHMMM, WHATS THE GOOD NEWS????       

Well- not much. I get drunk every weekend-its pretty fun. Other than that school sucks Im failing everything except for singing but that wont do me any good cause if my grades are as bad as they are right now then I wont be able to sing anymore. Our singing group is supposed to go on tour to California this Spring....I dont even know if I want to go anymore.

WHATS THE BAD NEWS?????

My friend Bryan passed away over the weekend ....didnt find out till everyone else knew. Its hard to deal with..especially when almost all of your other close friends knew him. Im trying to keep them happy and its hard to make myself seem like Im ok.  His veiwing is tomorrow and his funeral is on Saturday...I hope I can keep my head held up and focus on trying to keep my friends happy...I'll just cry about it later.  Mark, Garrett, Melissa, Bert,  K.C., Tino, Jake T., and Dustin were all close to him to so they will be there with me- maybe after we'll have another shot and toast it to Bryan. 

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	none	]

So many questions
So little time
Sometimes I ask
Am I losing my mind?

So many decisions
I know I can't make
So much critisism
I simply can't take

I can't please everyone
Though I will always try
Sometimes I get discouraged
But I don't know why

I hate all the pressures
That are brought upon me
To many decisions
Then I'd rather there be

I just can't stand it
Don't know what to do
To feel what I feel
If only you knew

I'm not looking for sympathy
I just wish it would end
But I feel it's a battle
That I'll never win.

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	rise against	]

Never say I Love you , If you dont really care

Never talk about feelings if they arent really there

Never hold my hand, if your gonna break my heart

Never say your going to if you dont plan to start

Never look me in the eyes If all you do is lie

Never say hello if you really mean goodbye

If you really mean forever...promise me you'll try

and never say forever, Cause forever makes me cry

I wrote this poem awhile back, It means alot to me....and I mean every word

[	mood	|	blank	]
[	music	|	none	]

There she sits so helpless
Just waiting for that special day
The day she set aside
When she'll take her life away

Up until that day
She'll screw her life up more
Taking all the drugs
And cutting like before

Stories of her messed up life
Are written on her skin
Keeping count of all the times
The knife just tends to win

Scarlet scars upon her wrists
Tell of all the times
She tried to go but something
Stopped her suicidal crimes

Her blood shot eyes tell of all
The countless times she's cried
She has no more tears to cry
So her end she will decide

As that day comes around
When her 'precious' life she'll take
She'll bring up all the pain inside
And one more cut she'll make

Never will she stop to think
Of all the people she will miss
You can call it 'ignorance'
But ignorance is bliss

As she starts to think about
The story of her life
She wants to end it faster
and grips harder to the knife

She curls up in the corner
And she begins to cry
All the while voices whisper
"Just f u c k ing go and die"

Mascara tears leak from her eyes
And stain her pale, white face
Trailing down her satin cheeks
Depression's line they trace

She sinks her nails down in her arm
As she begins to shake
Substituting physical pain
For the pain from her heart ache

As she slowly falls apart
She starts to crave her blade
She takes it out and wastes no time
To add to the cuts she's made

She drags the blade along her skin
As she watches the blood pour out
She feels control run through her body
And the voices cease to shout

She puts away her razor blade
With no sign of regret
She knows that she will do it again
For the pain she can't forget

As she starts to breathe again
And her shaking finally stops
Her weak and fragile body goes
To her bed and drops

Her eyes begin to slowly close
As she thinks about that day
Where all her struggles end as soon
As she takes her life away

[	mood	|	emo	]
[	music	|	rise against	]

So....Im back again...

I found myself thinking about CJ alot today, and I dont really know why though. Fuck it- I dont know why I said that ofcourse I know why. I miss him like crazy. I havent missed anyone soooooo much in a very long time, I would do anything to hear from him again, Im so sad with out him.

I went on to his myspace account thinking that it might help me......it didnt. The pictures on there reminded me of alot of times that we had together. I cant stop crying over him. FUCK!!!

On another note ....I got a tattoo tonight, its alright.

[	mood	|	crushed	]
[	music	|	rise against	]

well I found out who those dicks were that were so "anonymous" for so long...I think it will stop now- I can say Im definatly not happy. I wish I could say that I was just having a bad nightmare when I found out who it was. One of those people were my friend, and is not anymore. They said I was playing games with them and went and did this to me....what a fucking hipocrit. I bet you can guess who it is now.

Thanx a fucking lot for your friendship! I guess it meant nothing.............